Towards the end of our infertility journey we were often encouraged to find "closure" But what exactly would that mean? Closure to me, is something that you need after grieving the loss of someone, to me, I haven't lost anything yet because I haven't had it.
We have hung on to hope over the past 84 months that magically maybe something would happen when it's suppose to. Month after month we would cycle through the same emotions and it wasn't until this morning that I finally have realized what exactly we need to do. We need to encourage ourselves to accept the pain of our loss. I constantly feel like I have to hide how I am feeling and today I have decided no longer to do that. So now I write this blog post, fully disclosing exactly my emotions today and I hope that in return I begin to allow myself to accept closure.
When we had chosen to pursue adoption, we were essentially deciding to no longer pursue a biological child. The early morning appointments, the doctor appointments, surgeries and awaiting positive results. For us, this was all we had known.
Once we became parents through Adoption I thought that all of the emotions from our infertility journey would subside and we would focus on being a family. I was wrong. I have found myself crying more and more as time goes on. I assumed that we would be one of those families that so many people would tell us about...adopt a baby and end up pregnant. Two years later, I have have come to terms with the fact that this most likely will not happen. Seeing everyone go on to have their second and third babies is truly exciting, but deep down inside I struggle with not knowing whether we will ever be able to give Jax a sibling to play with. My heart aches for that...
Infertility is life changing, for many women it brings months, possibly years of tears, you question your marriage and you begin to view the world differently.
My infertility stems from a diagnosis of severe Endometriosis - stage 4.
I wouldn't say at this point I have found closure, I would say that I should never "close" the door because Infertility has defined me as a person, it has made me who I am today and is part of my story. I still find myself being apart of the online forums, attending an Infertility Support group and offering women all types of support. If I can support even just one person throughout their journey than it makes it all worth it.
I always felt that since we have adopted I needed to "get over" my emotions of infertility and not being able to have a biological child, when in fact this isn't the case. I will always be infertile and it will always be apart of who I am, this is the part that I need to accept. It doesn't mean that I don't have an incredible family, it just means that I am working towards accepting this part of my story.
As I move forward with pursuing the adoption of a second child, I am focusing on accepting that I can openly be me. I am openly an adoptive mother who gets emotional just looking at my son, my love for him is endless and I would never question that. I am also proud to wear the label of infertile and to speak openly about my diagnosis......besides....that diagnosis is what lead us to creating this amazing family and holding that sweet baby in our arms.
Thank you to all of our friends, and to the Melnyks and Pleiters for always standing by our side, for understanding us.
Michelle xox
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